We all have those things that go on around us that make us want to pull our hair out - or better yet, whine about it while having a glass of wine!

Amy Lee

The Cell Phone Screamer:

Picture this – you’re sitting in a waiting room, lost in your own thoughts and trying to figure out the meaning of life. All of a sudden you are ripped away from that silent solitude of reflection because you are fairly certain that the sound you are hearing is that of the Emergency Alert System.

You look around in search of the object that is projecting this deafening noise as you are concerned that a zombie attack is imminent. Then you find it. The lady sitting across the waiting room has a cell phone in her hand which is the source of this high decibel sound that is causing birds to drop from the sky and windows to shatter all within a 5 mile radius.

So you ask yourself – is she going to answer that phone or at least silence it? Nope – she is staring at the phone and having a conversation with the other personality in her head on whether or not she wants to take the call.  And just as the phone is about to finish the 4th ring and roll into the voicemail – she answers it. Pheeewwhhh – all is right in the world again and the bird genocide is over!

WRONG – it is at this moment that this woman believes wholeheartedly that every person in the waiting room along with the people in the store down the street wants to know exactly what she has to say to the caller and proceeds to speak as loudly as possible into the phone. When in reality, none of us gives a damn about what she is cooking for dinner tonight, when the next bridge tournament is to take place or the reason she is at the doctor’s office because she has an ingrown toenail. But here is what takes the cake – after every sentence she yells, she ends it with a cackling laugh that is similar to the sound of fingernails down the chalkboard and therefore makes me want to pull my hair out!!!

In conclusion – if you are talking on the phone and notice birds dropping out of the sky, or windows shattering, or blood coming out of the ears of those around you – you should probably adjust the volume on your “inside voice.”

Now - can someone pass me a bottle of wine?