What demented universe allows people to believe that it is 100% OK to fart on an elevator!??  Really?  Why?  WHY!!???  Why would you do that?

Here’s what happens. Someone who clearly harbors homicidal tendencies FARTS in the elevator and then quickly exits the crime scene like a bandit in the night, and once the elevator door closes it traps the smell of the butt bandits rotten insides inside.

Then, a short time later, I summon the elevator for a ride to the 1st floor. Unbeknownst to me, I am about to walk into the colon coffin of death.  Once the elevator arrives, that door slides open, I step in and I’m immediately slapped in the nose with what I can only believe is the smell of rotting demons from the depths of Hell!  And as that stench crawls up my nose, it’s as if I’ve been sucker punched and my mouth opens involuntarily and I suck in a huge gulp of air.

While I stand there paralyzed, wondering if I missed the work memo informing us that the radio stations are engaged in some sort of chemical warfare with the city, the elevator door shuts – trapping me inside this “Dutch-oven” from hell.

But here’s the most horrifying part – as I ride death’s chariot to the ground floor while my face melts off my skull, the elevator door opens at my destination and there stands a rather attractive stranger waiting to go up.  As I run out of the elevator looking for a decontamination room – the attractive stranger enters the steel box of funk, takes a wiff and then looks at ME like I'M the one that dropped that bomb. And with one look I can see that I’ve already been judged by this stranger and classified as a nuclear weapon of mass destruction.

For the love of humanity – DO. NOT. FART. ON. AN. ELEVATOR.  Ever.

And if for some reason you accidentally pop one off – it is your responsibility to put a sign on the elevator door that says “out of order” – unless you want to be brought up on felony charges for bio-terrorism.

And keep your butt-barkin’ self away from my wine – I’ll get it myself!